Marriage is probably the most meaningful commitment you’ll ever make, and before you walk down the aisle, there’s a crucial step many couples overlook: truly understanding each other-and yourselves. Learning how you and your fiancé communicate, process emotions, and view the world can transform how you navigate challenges, make decisions, and connect on a deeper level.
I stumbled into a season several years ago of learning how I was wired. You know…what made me happy or sad, what motivated me, what made me mad, my strengths and weaknesses, etc. It was empowering. It was freeing. Honestly, it was life changing (and I don’t mean that to sound cliche). While doing so I happened to listen to a podcast that described a “personality type” that I discovered to be that of my husband of 25 years. I cried. Literally. I cried because for the first time, I felt like I understood him. 25 years of marriage to this man suddenly made sense!!! I fell in love with him all over again because I realized the MANY things that he was doing every single day to express his love for me and our family but I misunderstood as busyness or bossiness or…fill in the blank. If you are about to plan a wedding together or possibly at this point you are already married, there are some tools that can help tremendously!
Marriage doesn’t magically make you understand one another. In fact, it often highlights differences you didn’t notice while dating. Rarely do people marry someone just like themselves. Recognizing and appreciating these differences before saying “I Do” can prevent misunderstandings, build better communication habits, and create lasting intimacy. Understanding each other allows you to appreciate what each person brings to the table to create a synergistic “team” that is powerful and unlike any other on the planet!
Ok, let’s get to it! These are the tools that my husband and I learned that changed everything!!!
- Learn each other’s LOVE language
The 5 Love Languages, introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman, are a powerful tool for building a deeper connection with your fiancé. They describe how we give and receive love, and understanding them can transform the way you communicate and show love for one another.
Here are the 5 love languages:
- Words of Affirmation: Verbal expressions of love, appreciation, and encouragement. 2. Acts of Service: Actions that show love through helping, like cooking dinner or running errands.
- Receiving Gifts: Thoughtful tokens that reflect effort and consideration.
- Quality Time: Undivided attention and meaningful moments spent together.
- Physical Touch: Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, and other physical forms of affection.
Knowing your own love language helps you understand what makes you feel most cared for, while learning your significant other’s ensures you’re expressing love in a way they truly appreciate. For example, if your fiancé values Acts of Service but you focus on giving Words of Affirmation, they might not feel as loved as you intend.
By identifying and prioritizing each other’s love languages, you create a foundation of understanding and intentionality, which strengthens your bond and helps avoid unnecessary misunderstandings.
Take the Test: Discover your love languages together with this free quiz. Then, discuss how you can incorporate each other’s love language into your everyday lives—and into your wedding planning!
- Learn who’s an INTROVERT and who’s an EXTROVERT
One of the most noticeable differences in relationships is whether you or your fiancé are introverted or extroverted. (*Note! Common misunderstanding…Just because you are social, friendly, and outgoing doesn’t necessarily mean that you are an extrovert)
- Introverts: Recharge by spending time alone or in small, intimate settings. They often need time to process their thoughts internally before sharing them.
- Extroverts: Thrive in social environments and process their thoughts more externally. They may want to talk things out as they think.
If one of you is an introvert and the other an extrovert, conflicts can arise when you don’t understand each other’s needs. For example, the extrovert may want to discuss an issue immediately, while the introvert may feel overwhelmed and need space to think.
Tip: Meet in the middle. The extrovert can give the introvert time to process, while the introvert can commit to revisiting the conversation once they’ve had time to reflect.
- Determine if you are an Internal processor or an External processor
Beyond introversion and extroversion, understanding whether you’re an internal processor or an external processor is vital.
- Internal Processors: Reflect on emotions and thoughts internally before expressing them. They might appear reserved or distant during conflict but are likely just trying to organize their feelings.
- External Processors: Work through emotions by talking them out. They often want immediate engagement to feel understood and resolved.
Tip: If you’re an internal processor, reassure your partner that you’re not ignoring them—you’re just processing. If you’re an external processor, let your partner know you value their input but are willing to give them space when needed.
- Learn the root of your motivations (it might surprise you!)
The Enneagram is a powerful tool for understanding what motivates you and your partner. Unlike other personality tests, it focuses on core desires and fears, which can help you better understand your emotional reactions and behaviors. This was a GAME CHANGER for my husband and I! We learned so much about ourselves and each other and it truly has given us so much more patience and grace when we are dealing with stress and emotional “discussions”.
The nine Enneagram types include categories like “The Helper,” “The Achiever,” and “The Peacemaker.” Each type has unique strengths, weaknesses, and ways of coping with stress. Learning each other’s types can help you identify triggers, motivations, and areas for growth in your relationship.
Take the Test: Discover your Enneagram type for free with this online test. Once you know your results, take time while you’re in the car to listen to some podcasts together about yourselves…you’ll be shocked at what you learn!!! (Soon you’ll want to know the number of everyone in your circle!)
- Learn how to Argue
Let’s face it, in any marriage there will be “discussions”, some may call them arguments, others may call them fights. But if you can learn early on to talk with some control, what could easily escalate into a door slamming, feeling hurting fight could be tamed into a somewhat productive resolution in which each of you feels heard and understood.
Creating healthy communication patterns that foster understanding and respect can truly save a marriage, unfortunately most couples haven’t taken the time to learn how to “fight fair” so they stay stuck in what becomes a miserable relationship or they end it all together. Let’s don’t let that happen! Here are some key strategies:
- Use “I” Statements
Instead of saying, “You always interrupt me,” try, “I feel unheard when I can’t finish my thoughts.” This approach prevents defensiveness and promotes problem-solving.
- Pause Before Reacting
Take a moment to reflect before responding in heated conversations. This helps prevent miscommunication and ensures you’re addressing the issue calmly.
- Ask Clarifying Questions
If you’re unsure about your partner’s feelings, ask: “Can you help me understand what you mean?” or “What’s most important to you about this?”
- Acknowledge Each Other’s Perspectives
Even if you don’t agree, show empathy by saying, “I see why you feel that way,” or “I understand how that could be frustrating.”
Of course, there are sooooo many more strategies but these are some baby steps to better communication.
Final Thoughts
For “better or for worse” we tend to be attracted to and marry opposites. It helps to balance us out as a human. As great as you may think you are, you do have weakness and the right counterpart can strengthen you and pick up the slack.
Understanding yourself and your fiancé before marriage isn’t just about avoiding conflict—it’s about building a foundation of mutual respect, empathy, and teamwork. By recognizing your differences, embracing your strengths, and fostering healthy communication, you’re setting your marriage up for success.
So, take the time to explore each other’s personalities, discuss your dreams and fears, and celebrate the journey of becoming partners for life. After all, marriage isn’t about changing each other—it’s about appreciating each others differences and striving to become the best version of ourselves that we can possibly be!
Love and Gratitude
Larinda